MARISA  

        DZINTARS

C O M E D Y

Silly, sarcastic, and somewhat sardonic, Marisa can currently be seen in clubs and venues around Los Angeles

Follow @marisadzintars for upcoming dates and ticket links

 

 

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STAND-UP
C O M M E R C I A L   C O P Y
PODCAST SPONSOR PARODIES WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY MARISA DZINTARS
Man Trying App

This episode brought to you by ClassClass

 

Have you ever found yourself wondering

“Do I have to tip on take out?"

“Is everyone cool if I talk on speakerphone in public?"

Or

“Why do I have to do that weird run when someone holds the door for me?”

 

Well with the revolutionary new masterclass, ClassClass, you can gain modern insight on classy etiquette moves.

 

ClassClass is the place to avoid being an ass, with classy tips like

 

- Not crowing the luggage carousel at an airport

- Not using all caps - ever

- Letting people off the elevator before shoving your way on

- Never stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to text

 

And those examples are just from my morning!

 

And ClassClass is offering this all for free, because this is information that humans obviously need to brush up on.

 

So don’t be an ass, use Class Class. Your fast pass masterclass on class en masse.

from A Kick in the Arts S2E5

ClassClass

All commercials written and performed by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.
Fun Dad

Note: Italicized denotes ‘Male Siri’ Voice

 

Today’s episode is brought to you by “AppDad”


AppDad is your source for all kind of “Dadvice”

 

like weather stuff

“The roads will be frozen, no need to rush. Take your time.”

 

car stuff

 

“New brakes should be about $200”

and life stuff

 

"You’ll understand when you’re older”

 

AppDad is full of old idoms, like, “Don’t take the baby out with the bathwater.” 

 

AppDad, what does that even mean??

 

And AppDad is always standing by with a good Dad joke, like,

 

 “I’m Hungry,“ “Hi Hungry, I’m AppDad”

 

AppDad is now available, and knows almost everything except- AppDad, where do babies come from?

 

 “Ask your AppMother”

A Kick in the Arts S2E2

AppDad

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.
Three Guys

This episode is brought to you by “CockBlockBusters” .

 

You’ve heard of Netflix & Chill. But what if your late night tinder hang just isn’t going well?

 

Well now theres a solution- just turn on a “CockBlockBuster”

 

These are movies designed to kill the mood, with topics like

  • Religion

  • Weird body stuff, and

  • The Holocaust

 

CockBlockBusters also has real life add on packages,  (to help defer your package, so to speak), such as

            Your mom calling

            Your room mate coming home

And getting the toots.

 

So the next time you're on a date that’s note so great? Cue up a CockBlockBuster.

A Kick in the Arts S2E3

CockBlockBuster

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.

In today’s social media climate, it’s easy to go down a time sucking rabbit hole that is engaging with comment thread trolls. You know you shouldn’t respond, or react, but sometimes it’s so hard to let it go! Well, now can have someone argue on your behalf with ZipRefuter.

 

ZipRefuter is a smarter way to address internet trolls without distracting you from the real point of social media- looking at pictures of the wife of a guy you dated in middle school.   Throat clear

 

Just post your trolling topic on ZipRefuter’s job boards and they’ll find the best talent to refute on your behalf. They have experts on topics like

     - If a celebrity is fat or not

     - whether or not someone is a good parent, and

     - appropriation explanation”

 

Enjoy a different click hole while we deal with the assholes. Rest assured that the troll you encountered is getting properly served with ZipRefuter.

 

ZipRefuter not an actual company or sponsor, because to be honest, telling people real facts won’t change their beliefs anyways

A Kick in the Arts S1E9

ZipRefuter

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.

You’ve heard about the super cool, super soft underwear that is delivered to your door, but what about the issue affecting the high-waisted mom jean wearers who have outie belly buttons? Stop your button-on-button snag war with MeOuties- the revolutionary high waisted underwear that stops the “owie” on your outie.

 

MeOuties provides a seamless buffer between the waist of your mom jeans and your protruding bellybutton with new patterns coming out every month.

 

Navigate your navel with MeOuties.

 

(MeOuties is not an actual company or sponser, and we apologize to all “outies” wom we might have disappointed)

A Kick in the Arts S1E4

MeOuties

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.

This episode is brought to you by Helen’s Melons. A gourd-geous fruit basket perfect for any gift giving occasion, because who doesn’t love receiving a pair of plump rotund melons topped with tiny hand-dipped cherries?

 

And then you can choose from a selection of themed melon sets, try some of our favorites- -

     - The Perky Papaya Platter,

     - The Double D Drizzle Danglers, or 

     - The Exotic Tropical Tasty Ta-Tas. It includes pineapple!

 

Upgrade any order to a large for just $10. Uh, that’s a good deal. So, if you cant-elope, then maybe Helen’s Melons are your solution to an overdue Honey-do.


Helen’s Melons is not an actual company or sponser, but it should be! So if you are a “Helen,” don’t let this be a missed opportunity! Seize the day Helen. Get it! Carpe the diem, Helen.

A Kick in the Arts S1E5

Helen's Melons

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.

Imagine, you start to make dinner after a long day, and while using a serrated cheese knife to open an avocado, you slice open your finger webbing. OUCH! & Gross! You know you need stitches, but with today’s shitty health insurance deductibles, a few stitches will literally cost you thousands. Yikes!

 

Thank god there’s WebER. With WebER, you can learn the DIY of ER like a real MD!

 

Start by wrapping your bleeding hand in a dirty kitchen towel.

 

After an hour or so, You get to triage yourself! Go ahead, make note of your weight and height. Who cares that it’s irrelevant- just try not to get blood on your clothes!

 

Then 3 hours later, you’ll get instructions to sew your own sutures.

 

WebER brings the experience of the hospital to your own personal emergency living room. It’s the Pinterest of Stitches!

 

So cross your bloody fingers, and hope you don’t die, with WebER.

 

WebEr. because no one can afford real healthcare.

A Kick in the Arts S1E7

WebER

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.

Feeling crabby with your current job and ready for the next level in your career?

 

Now’s the time to take a risk with our online courses to get your Standard Technical Degree, or STD.  Our online degree program for STDs is so big, its gone viral!

 

If you’re itching for a better job, them bump up your skills with an STD course. Our courses will have you burning. With excitement.

Now’s the time to pull out from your boring job and try something new. With our hands on approach, you are sure to get straight AIDs.

 

STDs are spreading around the country fast, you want to get yours before they’re gonorrhea.

An STD is not an actual sponsor or education program, but UTI is. Come on, someone had to have caught that. So to speak.

A Kick in the Arts S1E8

Standard Technical Degree

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.

In today’s divisive world, we can all agree on one thing- we are all exhausted.

 

All day, we worry about making money, finding love and keeping the plants alive, all while battling parking lot commutes and incessantly sagging leggings.

 

At the end of the day, all you want is to snuggle up in bed with your take out thai food and binge the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, when BAM

 

Sticky sweet tamarind sauce EXPLODES from its plastic ramekin and gets all. over. your. sheets.

 

But wait! Before you get your exhausted body out of bed to track down a decent paper towel, remember that you’re safe, because you have “TOWEL BLANKY!”

 

Towel Blanky is the game changing barrier between your comforter and your comfort food. It’s soft enough to blend in with your bedding, and absorbent enough to prevent embarrassing (and suspicious) red wine stains. 

 

No more sticky drops of Ben&Jerrys! No more biscotti crumbs! Your bed is now safe from your snacks, with TOWEL BLANKY.

 

Towel Blanky proudly recycles materials left over from SHOWER TOWEL, and in some instances may be slighty damp.  

A Kick in the Arts S2E1

Towel Blanky

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.

This episode is brought to you by OneBox.

 

Are you tired of managing all your subscription boxes? The average person has subscription boxes for food, clothes, make up, razors, weed, wine, not to mention the stacks of Amazon Prime boxes building at your door. Most days you can’t even enter your house! There’s just too many boxes!

 

Well now you can "Kon-Marie" your life and tidy up your doorstep by minimizing all your deliveries to just one box.

 

Literally everything you need in life will be sent to you in one simple OneBox.

 

Eliminate the guilt that comes with the surplus of cardboard you’re adding to landfills, and the shame of hiding from your Fed Up Fed Ex deliver person.

 

Imagine, the life where you will never have to leave your house again, and the only outside contact with another human you have to have is the sound of your doorbell, just once a month.

 

And now it’s possible, with OneBox.

 

I think OneBox is an actual company, but for a different purpose, and they’re definitely not a real sponsor.

A Kick in the Arts S1E10

OneBox

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.

This episode is brought to you by “Frental.”

 

Have you ever needed someone to see a movie with, and none of your friends can go?

Or maybe just someone in your car so you can take the carpool lane.

or you just neeed to tell someone about the craziest dream you had.

 

The point is, sometimes you just need SOMEONE, and your real friends are busy- and they should be! They’re humans! But no worries! Now you can rent a friend, with Frental!

 

With Frental, you can FINALLY guarantee someone in your stand up show audience laughing you on, a warm body next to you at an art show, or maybe just someone to come over and french braid your hair.

 

Our Frental friends are hand picked to be the perfect wingmen- they’re just enough of a bad influence to egg on some adventure, but responsible enough to call their own Ubers.

 

So the next time you need someone to to see-saw with, remember that a a friend with a fee is a friend indeed, with Friental

A Kick in the Arts S2E4

Frental

All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.
All parodies written, performed, and copyrighted by Marisa Dzintars. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2019  |  All Rights Reserved 

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